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QUICK
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Don’t
Say That!
We
asked three beautiful New York City bartenders to keep a journal of the most
painfully bad pick-up lines shot at them over a two-week period. Any of them
sound familiar?
Maxim, Apr 1999
Every
Saturday night, you hit the bars with a few pals on a womanhunt. You walk in,
take a seat, and whoa—in seconds a beautiful, sexy woman appears, looks right
at you, and offers you a drink. The unfortunate reality is, she’s the
bartender or cocktail waitress doing her job, and you will undoubtedly be the
107th guy who’s hit on her in the last hour.
On the positive side, however, while most female bartenders and cocktail
waitresses aren’t likely to go home with you, they are magnets for men’s
comments and as such can tell you how not to hit on a woman, any woman, whether
she works in a bar or is there to have fun. Put a little of their bar advice
into practice with reasonable patience and sincerity, and women will be charmed.
“All it takes is being nice,” says Valerie, a 32-year-old bartender who
pours at a bar in downtown Manhattan. “I met my last boyfriend while I was
working. He was kind of a regular. He was always polite and made conversation,
but never tried to pick me up.” One day he gave her his number, she gave him a
call, and they dated for five years.
The lesson to be learned: Start by becoming a steady patron in a place. Then,
when you do chat up the waitress—or regular female customer—just say hi and
make normal conversation. Be a little subtle about why you’re talking to her
in the first place, and don’t feel compelled to pack a lifetime’s worth of
cleverness into your opening salvo. In the meantime, read the doozies our bar
spies recorded for us, and file them away under N for Not a Chance in Hell.
Carla
31, bartender
Works in downtown Irish-style pub
1 “Are you wearing any underwear?”
2 “You look tired. Do you want a massage?”
3 “I know your father is a thief, because he stole the stars from the
sky and put them in your eyes.”
4 “Hi, sex.”
5 Me: “Can I get you anything?”
Him: [looking at my chest] “Yeah, I’d like some of that!”
6 “How many guys hit on you a night? Does it ever work?”
7 “You took my breath away. Can I have it back?”
8 “Hey, sweetheart! Breakfast’s on me.”
9 “Hey, babe, I want to sit in your section.”
10 “Mind if I get fresh?”
George
27, cocktail waitress
Works in a very upscale midtown Asian-themed bar-restaurant
1“Hey, we have something in common: I’m rich and you’re
beautiful.”
2 “Do you have any black in you? ’Cause your booty is slammin’!”
3 “You have such good posture. Are you a dancer?”
4 “This tastes almost as good as you look.”
5 “My friend had a really bad day. If you do something to make it up to
him, I’ll make it worth your while.”
6 “Hey, geisha girl, fetch your master another martini.”
7 “Do you wash your clothes with Windex? ’Cause I can see myself in
your pants.”
8 “Does your boyfriend tell you how beautiful you are very day?
’Cause if he doesn’t, I will.”
9 “Are you on the menu?”
10 “Can I charge the tab to my room? I don’t have a room yet, but if
you join me, I’ll get one.”
Valerie
32, bartender
Works in midtown after-work hangout
1 “I usually only date tall models, 5’10" and up. What are you,
about 5’8"? I think I could make an exception.”
2 “The woman with me [referring to his fiancée] is just a friend. What
are you doing after work?”
3 “Can I take you home and suck on your toes?”
4 Him: “What nationality are you?”
Me: “French, but I have a little Spanish in me.”
Him: “Would you like to have some German in you?”
5 “You work out, don’t you? Show me how many sit-ups you can do.
I’d really love to hold your feet.”
6 “Let me have this to go. And you can wrap yourself up as well.”
7 “You are so pretty and your smile’s gorgeous. Are those your real
teeth?”
8 “Your boyfriend doesn’t deserve you—I do. Please call me and
you’ll see what I mean.”
9 “Oh, you have a boyfriend? Well, do you have a sister that looks like
you and is available?”
10 “Are you a screamer?”
Lines
so bad they’re good
Though
your chances are slimmer than a swizzle stick that you’ll take home the help,
these lines at least gave our ladies-in-waiting a smile.
* “Can I be your slave on your next day off?”
* “That’s a nice dress. It would look great on my floor.”(We’re not
making this up. She liked it!)
* “Aren’t there any child labor laws in this business? What are you, about
14?”
* “You look like the Statue of Liberty, holding that tray way up high. Can I
call you Liberty? Hell, can I call you?”
* “Your boyfriend is the luckiest man in the world. But are you happy? Call
me.”
* “I’m Steve. Have you ever dated a Steve?”
* “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.”
* Him: “Were you talking to me?”
Me: “No.” Him: “Oh. Wouldja please start?”
Pick up Lines 1
- Cheesy Pick up Lines 2
- Bad Pick up Lines
- Austin Powers - Goldmember Pickup Lines 3
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